Thursday, September 17, 2009

Movies and Skydiving!!

Ok trying to get back on track here...

The movie Observe and Report...have you seen it?? I recommend checking it out, it's a dark comedy abut a mall cop with Bi-Polar...It stars Seth Rogan, and it's the silly comedy style you see these days...Anyways I thought I'd take a look, to see how Hollywood portrays those with my condition..I nearly turned it off 10 minutes through, they made him out to be a complete social retard, but then I remembered some of the well known comedy actors that suffer with Bi-Polar, Ben Stiller, Robert Downey junior etc. Surely they would of shunned the film?? So I kept watching.....and I'm glad I did!

For those who don't have Bi-Polar, it is just another silly movie about an idiot, who they turn into a hero blaa blaa, but for me, I really appreciated the way they made it. The film takes you UP and down constantly throughout, you can see he is in a manic state, and sort of go with it, then he crashes...hard, and you sort of do to..... It is very hard to explain. My wife watched it with me and kept looking over at me during the 'cringy' bits, waiting for me to go on about how crap it was, and at first I almost did, it was an insult, then I realised it wasn't..... I literally Loved it and hated it!! How well done was that!

There is a scene in particular, where he is talking to a shrink about why he wanted to be a real cop, and I very nearly cried, it was so relateable it was scary! He talks about how there are butterflies, and children playing etc. then how it all turns into dark clouds, and horridness! I mentioned the scene to a 'normal' friend of mine, and he said "yeah it was funny as hell" I am CERTAIN they made it in a way that only those that understand the illness, can fully appreciate..Anyway check it out!

That got me thinking about other films that seem to target certain people, dramas about losing a loved one, comedies like Family Guy, which are fantastic, but if you smoke the wacky backy, they take on a whole different meaning, you actually get the weird bits they throw in, that normally you sit there and think.."ooookkkkk that was stupid" I think it is more than simply relating to the subject of films, it's actually made specifically with YOU in mind...odd huh!

I enrolled in another course for next year!! Yippiee!! I was getting a little anxious about this one ending in December, and losing that feeling of having a goal! I was a complete mess before I started this in February, but the last few months have been the most stable I have been in years, and that's saying something considering what I have been through recently, several life changing occurrences in quick succession, I would normally be left a dribbling heap on the floor, but I'm not! I am very proud of myself :)

I am a little concerned though as for a good number of weeks, I have been riding a high, and it is bound to come crashing down at some point...but I'm not going to get anxious about it, I am going to keep riding it! I feel kind of like I am skydiving, and I'm in the free fall bit at the moment, you know, before you open the parachute....difference is I don't have a parachute, so I'm going to hit the bottom at mach-1 and it will be a mess to clean up! Still if you didn't realise that you had no parachute, you would be thoroughly enjoying the free fall right? I think I have come to terms with the fact that I have no chute, and I am going to enjoy the exciting stuff, and panic when I need to open the bastard thing!!

Did that make any sense?? I hope so.....Hang on don't they have a reserve parachute for emergencies?? Perhaps I can find it before I need it? perhaps I am cured??

Nahhh that's too much like a fairytale! I'll find my reserve chute, pull it, all excited about being ok, and it'll be full off moth holes!

Oh well I can but dream! I wish I could be normal, I wish I could be sad when I am supposed to be, or happy when good things happen, not happy or sad, no matter what the circumstance!

Anyway, the course... it's web development, so no design just pure code! lovely jubbly This one ends on December 23, and the next one starts In February...2 months of being with my family, not feeling guilty about not working Yay!

I might of scored a job developing a flash game for the All Blacks, and it may even go live on their site! How ace is that! I can combine it with my current module...which is developing a Flash game!

Martial has started kindergarten!! He's only 2 and a half! He has been twice now, and he loves it! We say goodbye, and leave him for TWO hours!! They have play dough, paints, a rabbit that just runs around loose, (not a great combo for toddlers...if you ask me)! All the stuff a kid could want and some! I really can't believe how well he has taken to it, he doesn't get a great deal of social interaction, other than his good friend Shelby, and his brother, and sister, but he is lapping up the Independence! Terrible two's?? Not for our Martial, its terrific two's!! We went out and bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine schoolbag and everything! He's growing up soooo fast! What with him starting school, and Sammy now able to run around, we have no babies anymore! That's a weird feeling...because it's YESS and NOOO at the same time!! Why must every emotion be directly tied to another?? If God really did make us, he really, cocked up in the chemistry aspect....all that serotonin, and all that dopamine, all mixing around like some bizarre cocktail!!

I went to bed at 11pm last night!! and I was woken at 9am with a cup of tea, it was a gorgeous day, sun seeping in through the curtains, It felt ace! So I'm going to bed early again tonight, hopefully get the same results!!

Why is everything going so well for me???? Maybe I'm just being set up for a massive fall soon...............or maybe not............or maybe.......etc.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

For Nana....

So...I have just returned home from the hospital, my wife is still there caring for her Grandmother, in her final stages. My poor Lisa, she's been pushed and pulled in every direction over the last few days, and all she really wants to do is curl up with her Nana and wish it wasn't happening. This isn't going to be a normal post, I don't have the energy to be funny at the moment, I just want to write some of this stuff down.

Nana got sick a month or so ago, and after a couple of short hospital visits, we thought she was on the mend, then a few weeks ago, she found out she had small cell lung cancer. We all kept positive but it wasn't long before that c**t of a disease pneumonia caught her off guard, as happened to my Father. She was admitted to hospital after her first bout of chemotherapy, and we knew the end was close. She's a fighter though and has hung in there for a few days, before being moved into a lovely quaint hospice, where things began to go downhill.

I was on my way into Uni today, and left a little early so I could pop in on my way through, unfortunately when I arrived she had been in so much pain they had doubled her pain relief, so she wasn't very coherent. I spent a little time saying goodbye, and returned home to look after the kids, so Lisa could be with her. Thankfully Lisa had arranged a sitter so we were both able to make the trip over.

Nana hadn't said anything all through the day apart from a few yes and no's, but something touching happened when Lisa arrived, Lisa embraced her Nana and told her she loved her, to which Nana replied "I love you too"

It's 8pm now and soon her son arrives from Australia, we feel that she is holding on to see him, and it is highly likely she will not make it through the night, truly a sad day for a lot of people.

Sitting in her room today, it was overwhelming the amount of people that where there for her, Daughters, Son's, Grandchildren, and an endless supply of friends. You know you have done well in life when there are that many people that care so dearly about you.

She is such a wonderful woman, she played an enormous part in raising Lisa, Lisa lived with her for several years when she was younger, and she was the only person to accept Lisa and my relationship at first. Most of Lisa's family felt I was too young, immature, bad influence blaa blaa blaa...but Nana told everyone to get f****d, and would never let anyone talk bad things about me. I was so very proud when she introduced me to some of her friends as her Grandson. After only a short time she loved me as family, and I will never forget the times we spent together. Her and her very lovely partner where at our wedding, and would always make a Sunday meal whenever we popped over. She loves her great-grandchildren, and they loved being around her, Martial calls her Nana too....

I hope you are happy Nana, I love you and will miss you so very very much xxxxxxxxxx