Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! It's officially Christmas day in 5mins! We are just about to put all the presents under the tree! Lisa has been baking all day, and I am actually really looking forward to tomorrow! Elvis on the stereo, plenty of beer, house all lit up with Christmas lights, kids sleeping all excited, waiting for Santa! In my most Tiny Tim voice..... God bless us, every one!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Religion or not religion?

Well....Christmas is creeping up faster than it usually does, only one week today. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, what's the deal? Religion fell out of Christmas long before I can remember, and these days all you see is a few signs saying "You won't find the lord under a tree" This year though Christians seem to be trying to do some serious PR for our supposed Saviour, I saw a news article about a Christmas tree with an enormous great wooden cross running straight through the center. But there are also the atheists trying to drum up business for their opinions, I'm sure you've heard of the "No God" signs plastered all over buses..



I do think that NZ tops the whole thing with the billboard erected actually by a Church! They said the billboard was "to remind people the real meaning of Christmas" The sign was defaced within 4 hours, and I can't help but ask the question, what on earth was the church thinking?? Here's the sign...
It was a full sized billboard, and if even the Churches are starting to mock religion, the future of what we have believed in for 2000 years sure is looking bleak!

I thought I would add my opinion on the whole subject....I don't believe in God, nor the theory that we where created, the science is to obvious to ignore. I was Christened as a child, and I am proud of that....Although I no longer class myself as Christian, I am certainly not atheist. To me atheism is it's own form of religion, just look at the signs on buses...They seem to not only mock religion, but go out of their way to mock it. I respect those that have faith, in any God they believe, more than respect, I envy them. I wish I could believe, if I believe in God, and I am facing imminent death, I'm sure the feeling would not be fear. I would believe I was going to a better place, where all my loved ones will be, and I will be happy. Being that I believe we are simply organisms, no different to any other creature on Earth, I know that when we die.....that's it....nothing more.
I would much rather believe that I was off to have a beer with my Dad and Elvis....but I simply can't. I have tried over the last few years...to find God, but I simply cannot refute the obvious factor that we evolved, and there is nothing else to it, no angels, no heaven....It's a shame! My over logical mind leaves me hollow when posed the question, what happens when we die?


Thursday, December 10, 2009

That's all

Sorry? it's a broad word, sorry for not being more supportive, for giving up, sure. But sorry for being so mentally ill, that I struggle to deal with my own mind....certainly not! A permanent solution to a temporary problem.....I hear naive people say that very often, but it's not accurate at all...look at me....I have something destroying the Phil that I used to be.... that viral disease will never leave me, If I make it to an old man, I'll still be taking pills, before putting in my false teeth. And logically I will of gotten completely lost, there will be an old man, with nothing left. They say it gets better with time, and they are right, but that really means things only become worse.....The longer you spend in a comfortable situation, things going right, success, and happyness....the harder you are hit, when that curse returns, and devours the real you, vomitting out the shit that is left, and that's all you have to function with.
I know that it will not be long, before no part of the Phil that everyone knows, remains. I'm in a sort of zombie movie scenario.....They get bitten and know that it won't be long before they change into something evil........ Well I was bitten, although instead of turning into something that likes to eat people, I will become blank. Like a formatted hard-drive.....the components remain, but there is nothing left on it...
Poses the question that the bite victims ask.....do i want to turn? Simple answer is no...
I wish my life could of been normal, I enjoy the life, the kids that adore you, the wife that loves you, loving them all back....But I'm stuck...what do I do? I've been fighting this for years now, and I'm tired, I'm tired of trying so hard to keep from being taken over, I'm tired of losing now, I'm not strong enough anymore, I can't push it away much longer.....I have nothing left....I just can't do it!!
I don't want to be this way anymore

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

12 days of Bi-Polar Christmas!!

I got bored, so decided to write my own version of that annoying Christmas song! If you read this, you need to read it to the tune of the classic hehe

All the things described I have been given over the last year so, it's quite true aswell enjoy ;)


On the first day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
A repeat prescription that I need to fill

On the 2nd day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
2 seroquel

On the 3rd day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
3 doxepin

On the 4th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
4 clonazepam

On the 5th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
5 Lith-- iu--ms

On the 6th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
6 xanax

On the 7th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
7 sleeping aids

On the 8th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
8 megs of prozac

On the 9th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
9 blood tests

On the 10th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
10 hours councilling

On the 11th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
11 valiums

On the 12th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
12 Zoloft

Saturday, November 28, 2009

It's about time!

Well....It really is about time I started doing this again! I don't really know why I left it so long, I thoroughly enjoy writing on here! I think it's just the lazy in me, I am far to lazy, I don't know why I just kind of......am
If I sit down on the couch and the tv channel is still on from when the kids were watching i go through a sort of situation assessment....First where is the remote...on the floor? Next I'll work out the distance from my furthest reach to its location, then some simple mathematics to work out the amount I will have to move to reach it. Finally I'll run some tests to determine the movement to comfort/temperature ratio. If the ratio is too heavy I'll just put up with 'Bob the Builder'
Is that bad? Probably, but it gets worse....much worse! I don't remember the last time I actually went toilet when I needed to, I'll simply leave it until the comfort to movement ratio is in the correct range! There are soooo many situations where I am just too damn lazy to do anything, maybe it's the pills? They are a great excuse anyway ;)

I've really been missing England lately, really, really have been! I miss a lot of things, but then I look at the larger picture and think of what I would miss about New Zealand if we packed up and headed "home" Firstly it's a lovely feeling to be able to walk down the street at any time of night, without needing to worry about being stabbed or mugged! The tiny population here means that my kids get much more attention than they would in the UK, Martial is now in morning kindy on Fridays, at his age there is no way that would happen out there! Then there's our house, it's huge, double garage massive garden etc. For the amount of money we pay for this we would be lucky to get a dinky 2 bedroom flat in an area that requires 5 dead blots on the door, to be secured immediately after sundown! If we where to sit down and make a pros vs cons list, New Zealand pros would need more than one sheet of A4, Englands pros would easily fit on a post-it note!
I do get a terrible feeling of homesickness, and there has been something bugging me for years now, never spoke about it till now, it may seem silly but to me it's huge....My father gave me a small badge with the St Georges cross, and shaped like a crest. On it read, Born in England, Live in England, Die in England. Unfortunately it was stolen along with a great deal of my things, when I trusted some 'friends' who turned out to be c**** Although Dad told me once that the world is my oyster, and I know he would be proud of me, I can't help but feel I'm letting him down by not living in England. It's silly I'm sure, but it's one of those things that as hard as I try, I cannot let go!

NEW ZEALAND ARE THROUGH TO THE WORLD CUP!!!!!!! I cannot believe it, it's the first time since 1987 they made the football (soccer) world cup! I must say I felt rather proud after watching them scrape a 1-0 win against Bahrain It has done some great things for football in this Country, NZ has the All Blacks for the second class sport of Rugby, but because they were as good at football, as Britain is at keeping the beer cold, they just pretended the sport didn't exist! But thanks to some real effort by coach Ricki Herbert, and the best team we could pull together, somehow we pulled it off! Some kiwi promoting genius managed to fill the stadium with 35134 people, which believe it or not is nearly 10% of the population of the capitol city! There is not a chance on Earth we will make it past the first round, but who cares, we made it!!! New Zealand is now ranked 77th in the world, just ahead of Uganda...and just behind Uzbekistan......what fantastic statistics! hehe

I re-designed my page, what do you think? It keeps in sync with what I consider the best form of website design, simple, crisp and clean!

So much has happened since I last posted, I'm not going to go into everything, but I promised myself that I am going to try and do weekly entries, fortnightly at least! So I'll start over from now!
Here's to more blogging
Cheers!


Monday, October 12, 2009

Wow it's been ages!!

I knew it had been a while, but I didn't realise it has been nearly a month since I wrote anything! Things have been insane lately, it all started some time ago when my car decided it would no longer engage any gears on the corner of 2 of the busiest streets in the lower north island....on a Friday...and to top it off I went to uni to tell them I wasn't going to be able to attend that day...and it was a tutor day so I didn't even have to go in!!

Luckily after the council towed it, my good friend was able to fix it in less than a week and it didn't cost very much at all!

Then we all got sick...and I mean all of us...me, all the kids, and Lisa...Of course being a male, I got the most sick, that and not having a car meant I missed a lot of days. But luckily I have been able Io nearly complete my current module, and will have no problems getting the assignment in on time, without needing an extension! I got a bit better....then I got more sick than I have been in years, 2days ago. Thankfully my wife is fantastic, and aside from wearing the uniform 24/7 (damn kids prevent that) she is the best nurse on the planet!

I got a new tattoo! I've been wanting one for a long time, and finally got it last week, or the week before (the last month is a bit of a blur) It's my boys birth dates on my wrist with the Latin phrase 'Dei Gratia' which means 'By the Grace of God' not that I am a religious at all, but as hard as i try i cannot let the possibility go, and all the crap that's thrown my way, if God didn't exist how can my children be the most perfect, loving creatures ever to of walked the rock we call our planet!!

Does anyone know anything about flowers?? We went out and bought a load of petunia's (I think) talked with the fella at the nursery and he sold us loads of expensive fertilise, compost and such, told us what to do, then said "you should have no problems" My Mother is an avid gardener and I remembered some of the things she told me when I was a kid...don't water them when the sun is on them etc. Now the problem i have is that they are not dead...they seem to be in suspended animation. They just sort of sit there looking all green and healthy, but only 2 of the tons we planted have had flowers!! but they aren't dead.....I don't get it! I never saw myself as a garden person, but I must say I thoroughly enjoyed finding my green finger, and I could get used to spending my Sundays during the summer tending to my punga ferns, and christmasanthems!!

Oh and I got my dog a new collar, I was sick of everyone calling her a 'he' so I decided to buy her a bright pink one, now people shouldn't get her confused! It's made of wetsuit material too, I don't know why...I have never heard of scuba diving Labradors!!




I'll keep it relatively short for now, and will do everything I can to ensure I write up again soon!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Movies and Skydiving!!

Ok trying to get back on track here...

The movie Observe and Report...have you seen it?? I recommend checking it out, it's a dark comedy abut a mall cop with Bi-Polar...It stars Seth Rogan, and it's the silly comedy style you see these days...Anyways I thought I'd take a look, to see how Hollywood portrays those with my condition..I nearly turned it off 10 minutes through, they made him out to be a complete social retard, but then I remembered some of the well known comedy actors that suffer with Bi-Polar, Ben Stiller, Robert Downey junior etc. Surely they would of shunned the film?? So I kept watching.....and I'm glad I did!

For those who don't have Bi-Polar, it is just another silly movie about an idiot, who they turn into a hero blaa blaa, but for me, I really appreciated the way they made it. The film takes you UP and down constantly throughout, you can see he is in a manic state, and sort of go with it, then he crashes...hard, and you sort of do to..... It is very hard to explain. My wife watched it with me and kept looking over at me during the 'cringy' bits, waiting for me to go on about how crap it was, and at first I almost did, it was an insult, then I realised it wasn't..... I literally Loved it and hated it!! How well done was that!

There is a scene in particular, where he is talking to a shrink about why he wanted to be a real cop, and I very nearly cried, it was so relateable it was scary! He talks about how there are butterflies, and children playing etc. then how it all turns into dark clouds, and horridness! I mentioned the scene to a 'normal' friend of mine, and he said "yeah it was funny as hell" I am CERTAIN they made it in a way that only those that understand the illness, can fully appreciate..Anyway check it out!

That got me thinking about other films that seem to target certain people, dramas about losing a loved one, comedies like Family Guy, which are fantastic, but if you smoke the wacky backy, they take on a whole different meaning, you actually get the weird bits they throw in, that normally you sit there and think.."ooookkkkk that was stupid" I think it is more than simply relating to the subject of films, it's actually made specifically with YOU in mind...odd huh!

I enrolled in another course for next year!! Yippiee!! I was getting a little anxious about this one ending in December, and losing that feeling of having a goal! I was a complete mess before I started this in February, but the last few months have been the most stable I have been in years, and that's saying something considering what I have been through recently, several life changing occurrences in quick succession, I would normally be left a dribbling heap on the floor, but I'm not! I am very proud of myself :)

I am a little concerned though as for a good number of weeks, I have been riding a high, and it is bound to come crashing down at some point...but I'm not going to get anxious about it, I am going to keep riding it! I feel kind of like I am skydiving, and I'm in the free fall bit at the moment, you know, before you open the parachute....difference is I don't have a parachute, so I'm going to hit the bottom at mach-1 and it will be a mess to clean up! Still if you didn't realise that you had no parachute, you would be thoroughly enjoying the free fall right? I think I have come to terms with the fact that I have no chute, and I am going to enjoy the exciting stuff, and panic when I need to open the bastard thing!!

Did that make any sense?? I hope so.....Hang on don't they have a reserve parachute for emergencies?? Perhaps I can find it before I need it? perhaps I am cured??

Nahhh that's too much like a fairytale! I'll find my reserve chute, pull it, all excited about being ok, and it'll be full off moth holes!

Oh well I can but dream! I wish I could be normal, I wish I could be sad when I am supposed to be, or happy when good things happen, not happy or sad, no matter what the circumstance!

Anyway, the course... it's web development, so no design just pure code! lovely jubbly This one ends on December 23, and the next one starts In February...2 months of being with my family, not feeling guilty about not working Yay!

I might of scored a job developing a flash game for the All Blacks, and it may even go live on their site! How ace is that! I can combine it with my current module...which is developing a Flash game!

Martial has started kindergarten!! He's only 2 and a half! He has been twice now, and he loves it! We say goodbye, and leave him for TWO hours!! They have play dough, paints, a rabbit that just runs around loose, (not a great combo for toddlers...if you ask me)! All the stuff a kid could want and some! I really can't believe how well he has taken to it, he doesn't get a great deal of social interaction, other than his good friend Shelby, and his brother, and sister, but he is lapping up the Independence! Terrible two's?? Not for our Martial, its terrific two's!! We went out and bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine schoolbag and everything! He's growing up soooo fast! What with him starting school, and Sammy now able to run around, we have no babies anymore! That's a weird feeling...because it's YESS and NOOO at the same time!! Why must every emotion be directly tied to another?? If God really did make us, he really, cocked up in the chemistry aspect....all that serotonin, and all that dopamine, all mixing around like some bizarre cocktail!!


I went to bed at 11pm last night!! and I was woken at 9am with a cup of tea, it was a gorgeous day, sun seeping in through the curtains, It felt ace! So I'm going to bed early again tonight, hopefully get the same results!!

Why is everything going so well for me???? Maybe I'm just being set up for a massive fall soon...............or maybe not............or maybe.......etc.

Blaaaa!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

For Nana....

So...I have just returned home from the hospital, my wife is still there caring for her Grandmother, in her final stages. My poor Lisa, she's been pushed and pulled in every direction over the last few days, and all she really wants to do is curl up with her Nana and wish it wasn't happening. This isn't going to be a normal post, I don't have the energy to be funny at the moment, I just want to write some of this stuff down.

Nana got sick a month or so ago, and after a couple of short hospital visits, we thought she was on the mend, then a few weeks ago, she found out she had small cell lung cancer. We all kept positive but it wasn't long before that c**t of a disease pneumonia caught her off guard, as happened to my Father. She was admitted to hospital after her first bout of chemotherapy, and we knew the end was close. She's a fighter though and has hung in there for a few days, before being moved into a lovely quaint hospice, where things began to go downhill.

I was on my way into Uni today, and left a little early so I could pop in on my way through, unfortunately when I arrived she had been in so much pain they had doubled her pain relief, so she wasn't very coherent. I spent a little time saying goodbye, and returned home to look after the kids, so Lisa could be with her. Thankfully Lisa had arranged a sitter so we were both able to make the trip over.

Nana hadn't said anything all through the day apart from a few yes and no's, but something touching happened when Lisa arrived, Lisa embraced her Nana and told her she loved her, to which Nana replied "I love you too"

It's 8pm now and soon her son arrives from Australia, we feel that she is holding on to see him, and it is highly likely she will not make it through the night, truly a sad day for a lot of people.

Sitting in her room today, it was overwhelming the amount of people that where there for her, Daughters, Son's, Grandchildren, and an endless supply of friends. You know you have done well in life when there are that many people that care so dearly about you.

She is such a wonderful woman, she played an enormous part in raising Lisa, Lisa lived with her for several years when she was younger, and she was the only person to accept Lisa and my relationship at first. Most of Lisa's family felt I was too young, immature, bad influence blaa blaa blaa...but Nana told everyone to get f****d, and would never let anyone talk bad things about me. I was so very proud when she introduced me to some of her friends as her Grandson. After only a short time she loved me as family, and I will never forget the times we spent together. Her and her very lovely partner where at our wedding, and would always make a Sunday meal whenever we popped over. She loves her great-grandchildren, and they loved being around her, Martial calls her Nana too....

I hope you are happy Nana, I love you and will miss you so very very much xxxxxxxxxx

Friday, August 28, 2009

Earthquakes, Prisons, a robbery and a haircut!

Wow it's been a crazy few days! I'm a little disappointed at my last entry here, there where so many spelling and grammatical mistakes, it was the pills I swear!

Anyway, I broke my back the other day, doctor said I wouldn't be walking if it where broken, so I'm inclined to believe her when she said it was a muscle strain! Feels like it's been snapped and put back together the wrong way round....not nice...so now I'm on yet more pills for the pain. My kitchen cupboard has a wider variety than my local pharmacy, still if it weren't for them, I would be locked in an asylum, and in agony...so.... I'm not complaining!

There was a huge earthquake last night, it was at 2:10am, and I was up on the computer, there was a small rumble at first, I just thought it was a truck speeding by, or a big gust of wind, but no sooner than I thought, "hmmm that was odd" the second one began, and WOW it was amazing, the whole house shook, and I felt the ground wobble, like I was on one of those treadmill type thingys they have at airports! My poor dog went nuts, and naturally I thought it was the end of the world!
Now....bear in mind that I have only been in New Zealand 4 years, and back in the UK we never have quakes...this was only the second one I have ever experienced, the first being last year and it was just a gentle rumble. This one was 5.2 on the Richter scale! 5.2 that certainly isn't a baby, that's a king size, twin pack quake!!

I read on the net that the quake was only 30km down, and was the biggest some residents have experienced in 35 years!
There is something seriously terrifying about earthquakes, when you take out the science behind them, and think about it, the name sums it up, it is the earth, the planet we live on, and take for granted, literally having a little crash into itself...I cannot be alone in thinking that it just isn't right!
Wellington, which is the Capital city, is built around a maze of fault lines, and my house nests comfortably smack bang in the middle of one of them! Take a look!

Scarrrrryyyy!!!


I must say though, that aside from building houses on the planets bad bits, New Zealand has some pretty good ideas! I read this week that the nearest prison from me, has confirmed that they will be housing prisoners in......get this.....shipping containers!! How brilliant is that? Imagine how the proposal for that idea came about; "We need to address the lack of space, what do you suggest"? "Buggered if I know, chuck 'em in shipping containers, har har".....*slight pause in the board room*....."Good thinking old chap"......Whhhaaat!

It really is ingenious though, why waste so much money building nice comfy buildings for them, spa baths, and LCD TVs...not in Kiwi Country, you get a steel box, with a window cut out if your lucky!
As you can imagine the idea has caused some controversy among the animal rights people, oops I mean human rights people, but they are the same lot that believe prisoners should be allowed double beds.....really?? don't forget the goose-down duvets, and a nice mink throw...pffft

There will be another visitor the prison soon, when yesterday some muppet decided to walk into a bank in the main street of a fair sized town near me, and wander off with a bag full of cash...needless to say he was arrested less than an hour later at his house, where he had driven straight to. Apparently he is also being charged with another robbery at a bank less than a block away, at the beginning of the month! NZ is not a place where you can get away with bank robbery, although the Country is larger than Britain, and has only a little over 5% of the population of Britain, everyone seems to know everyone else! I am not joking, it's errie!


Well this was a bit long, but it's been a busy few days! I passed my video module Yay! If you want to have a look, I uploaded it to youtube... just click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrHLqiMczwU

And tonight I gave my son his first haircut, it was a brilliant experience, and no he doesn't look ridiculous, for some reason it actually turned out well!!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Walking, smoking, and Klonopin!

Wow, what a week....things couldn't get any more surreal, aside from being abducted by something..Having said that my car hasn't made any serious attempts at ending my life lately, well except that time it came at me with an axe, but I don't count those incidents!

Good news, and certainly highlight of the last few months is that my youngest, Samuel has taken the biggest step a
baby can take....He's waking, and not like some parents that just throw there kids across the room and count that as first steps! This is text book walking, no amateur BS!


video

Has been a little hard to get used to thigh, as it now longer means he's a baby...he's upgraded to 'toddler' So now technically I don't have any baby's! And shan't be having anymore, Complications put my wife in a life risking situation if she where to attempt more. Sure we are happy with that we won't be having anymore, but its times like these that we think, 'damn'

Baby's are far more addicting then methamphetamine, seriously once you get hit with the broody bug, it's like a scene from 'trainspotting'

Slightly more concerning news has led me into a bit of a downward spiral, is that my eldest boy Martial is showing (very subtle mind you) signs of Bi-Polar. This is something I have feared since I was diagnosed, as the illness indisputably re-occurs among family members. In other words someone in my recent family tree would of had it, and being that we have 2 kids the odds of one of them having the illness is increased!

There is a big question for me;
If I knew I had B-Polar would I of breeded??
The answer being a flat NO...I have issues with simply bringing a child into this world, let alone with a high chance of them having a serious mental illness.

I'm quite right wing when it comes to the question of; should people have kids if there is a high risk they will have a disability early on in life. First of all I am Pro-life, but would only fully support the views that came with it, if we where able to control the breeding process. To the point where I am quite partial to the idea of a licence to breed!

The important thing thing here if Matial was Bi-Polar, we would detect it very early on in life, and be able to control it from a very early age, thus reducing the risks of it affecting his life as he becomes a man! It is still something that I'll dwell on for some time yet!

On a few extra pills this week, not for the faint hearted, I say faint hearted as I don't wanna use pu**ys on here! Anyway I'll let you know how that turns out, will either turn me into a nutter, make me feel better shor-term, or knock me out and I'll sleep until next Autumn, like a bear but backwards....Been on them a few times before, but never with the current combo I' currently on.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if you could have a cocktail party, but with no alcohol!


Saw a fantastic video this week on youtube, it was from The Onion and they said President Obama had Bi-polar! The whole piece was written in a non derogatory way, and I really had a crack up! Check it out!

video



Quiting smoking is a LOT harder that I imagined, and my cut down target has been exceeded a lot lately! Still keen to do it though, and despite the cheating, it's still a big improvement!

Highs and lows are keeeeling me lately, and considering changing the blog to UPdownUpdownUPdownUpdownUPdownUpdownUPdownUpdownUPdownUpdownUPdownUpdown.blogspot.com
that would certainly descibe it a better more at the moment! hehe!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My car the Murderer!

Ok..I was going to write all about why my car is trying to kill me, but there is too much to say, and a lot of it is very hard to believe! But here's a quick run-down;

1) The headlights stay on indefinitely once you shut the car off..
2) We unplugged the a box which controls a relay of some kind..lights go out, and so does the petrol gauge
3) Neither the headlights nor the petrol gauge are plugged in yet the headlights turn on when you want them too..and the petrol gauge often works fine!
4) I can only get either the rear brake-light or the rear indicator to work...I can get them both to work but not if you put it in its cradle..
5) sometimes the brake light and indicator work just fine...
6) The boot shuts and locks into the hinge..only when it wants to!


The list goes on and on..but I SWEAR it is out to get me, driving home tonight, I have to travel over a very bendy, dangerous hill called 'The Rimutaka Road" The summit is 555m and I have to do it every day!
Anyway it is very prone to a bit of fog, and is frequently closed due to snow, but tonight was really foggy, and my car decided it was time to make it's next serious move.........I had my window down, and fan set to windscreen, on full as it was raining hard and I hate condensation! So all of a sudden -of course- the windscreen gets covered in condensation, as if someone was boiling a kettle in the car, and my windscreen wipers stopped wiping the rain off, instead it spread it all over the windscreen, as if it had cooking oil on it....I found myself halfway on the wrong side of the road, on one of the hairpins...

Naturally when I arrived home the car covered up it's sinister doings, as if nothing had happened, so I couldn't prove anything to my wife!

Now I ask have you ever seen the movie called "Christine"? I have always loved the film and my dream in life is to own the car...anyway it's about a 1957 Plymouth Fury, that finds a young man, and he restores her to her full glory...however after a few instances of vandals extra, you soon learn she has the ability to restore herself, and goes around killing people then acting all innocent!

There is one scene in particular where the car is jealous of her owners girlfriend, so locks the doors and tries to strangle her with the seat belt!

I AM SCARED TO PUT MY SEAT BELT ON!!

Seriously this car is like an 80's version of Christine and it wants to keeel me! This is certainly not the first time it has shown hatred toward me! Now to really understand my concerns you need to know that I purchased the car from a very good friend of mine, who assures me he has had no such issues with the car!

If you came for a drive, you would think I am even crazier as I guarantee that she would run perfectly! I pick a friend up every day shortly after the Rimutaka trip, and she performs just fine, except the brake light thing! And what if I took it to my friend who is a qualified mechanic?? Nothing happens!

If this is my last blog post, you will know why! Find my Alfa Romeo...and destroy it....so no-one else falls prey to her evil ways...Or even better, buy her off me...then give her to someone you really dislike!

Whaa.....wait the engine just started by itself.........it's comi.....................

Saturday, August 15, 2009

If you can't beat mental illness....ride it like a bull!!

After speaking with someone that said they never really experience the 'nice' side of Bi-Polar, it got me thinking about how, sometimes it really can be for me. To explain it for you lucky 'normal' people....look at it like the old sayings of "happy drunk" or "angry drunk" Ask anyone that drinks occasionally and they'll know that if you're in a good mood and you get drunk, you are generally a good laugh and things are fun..Drink in a bad mood, and you're far more likely to be an angry person while intoxicated..

Bi-Polar Highs, for me are similar in some ways, if a 'high' comes on when I'm with the kids, playing with my dog, or doing something I enjoy, I tend to simply enjoy it more, the extra energy is focused on fun, crazy play fights with the dog, rather than just kicking the ball...Loads of running around chasing the kids, and making fun of my extremely tolerant wife!! It's not always the case of course, there are the weird ones where I wander around or worse of all......I venture out somewhere...things have a tendency to go on a much different path!

Come to think of it though most of the time, when the highs, are angry, or extreme anxiety, is when I'm home alone, or in the car etc. when I have nothing to focus all the insane energy and ramblings toward..

So I have an idea to try and help the highs be more pleasant...

1) Make sure you have an mp3 with some corny, happy music on it, something to make you laugh..'star-trekkin' 'aga-do' the really corny stuff!!

2) Get a dog!!...My motivation would be much worse than it is if it wasn't for my dog..that important urge to take them for their daily walk really 'gets you off your arse' I have a black lab, well known for their sixth sense, she's comforting when I'm low, and always their when I'm high!

3) When you are feeling stabilized, try and prepare for the next episode, it WILL come again I have to face that..so if you can't beat this crap, beat it!!

a) Set out a load of old crockery in a box, ready for the next time you are angry
b) Paint only half a wall in a spare room, for when your feeling that weird urge to do things round the house
c) Stash loads of chocolate and soppy movies for the lows
d) Buy a go-kart for the highs!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Cars, trains, toilets and John Key

So....had to try and get the car fixed, but as it's an Alfa Romeo, acquiring parts has proved to be very difficult...My mechanic friend is on his holidays, and so me and another friend are going to try and fit the brake pads ourselves tomorrow...that should be interesting!

That's if we can find the pads, I spoke to the Alfa dealer and even they couldn't be sure which type the were. So plan is as follows;

1) Up early head over to me mates
2) Move the car into his driveway and jack it up
3) Whop one of the pads off
4) Drive around all day trying to find one that matches
5) Attempt to fit them

Best of all I will be looking at paying at least $80 for them.....Still that's better than the 200 at a garage, not that the car would make it to the nearest one without the brakes shattering.

Oh my God I hate cars!!

I hate trains even more than cars though, and I had to take a 45 minute trip on one yesterday after realising that there was 0% chance of survival if I drove any further in my motor!

I was dying for the loo but had to pretty much run to the station as I had precisely 2 minutes until the train came! I get there and have just enough time to nip to the toilet...WRONG!! The lavatories are on the other side of the tracks, and the only way over was via 100 kilometers of underground passages and caves...I seriously considered trying to jump the 10 ft electric fence stopping people from just crossing the tracks..Alas i saw the headlights of my train...

Now this leaves an interesting question...You are desperate for the loo but your train is there...do you

A) wait until next spring for another train
B) risk a bendy hilly trip and pray you can hold it

I went for B...luckily it was one of the new fancy trains like we had back in London and it actually had a loo on board..Relief!!...well not quite as I'm a terrible aim as it is let alone trying when the train is doing light-speed through a hairpin turn..

It made the trip a little more bearable though as the main reason I hate train journeys is the anxiety of being trapped in a capsule with hundreds of people from every walk of life. There was a nun, a businessmen, a neo-Nazi, a baby, and a man that must of been over 100 years old! So many different types of people, a train is like someone seriously misinterpreted the bit in the bible about Noah and his arc!!

I try to avoid trains/planes/buses/bicycles and now my car as well!! Perhaps I was just meant to stay at home and moan about things!

And to top it all off while I was drinking my cup of tea last night, I was watching a program about the Prime Minister, John Key and it showed him trying to dance during the elections at something called "big gay out" Where he is flapping his arms around in between two largely built drag queens...seriously that is the person that is running New Zealand at the moment. Politics I mean....Really!!


This is our freaking Prime Minister...I I thought Gordon Brown was cocking it up over in the UK (see what I did thur) but this is nuts! (and again)!

video

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Paranoia!!

Paranoia is unquestionably an effect with Bi-Polar, You slowly begin to cope with it, but it may take years, for me it is increasingly bad when on a mild and stronger high. To the point where sometimes it seems to end the episode as I recluse fearing that everyone is looking at me, especially when I'm out and about with my wife and kids...I'm a young Dad and I often feel that people are looking at me thinking "Oh that poor child with such a young immature Father" We will get to the car after rushing out when it gets too much, and I can place a ton of people that looked at me "funny" and my wife couldn't recall any such happenings!

Also trust, I have a terrible time trusting people, a friend may ask to give his friend a ride somewhere, and I can't stop looking in the rear-view, coming up with elaborate theories about how it's a conspiricy and they are going to jack my car! It really is crazy when you think about it, and the majority of the time no-one is any the wiser what my nutty brain is running to it's 'crazy place'

I have always been a distrusting and paranoid person since as far back as I can remember which for some reason isn't much before I was about 13 (many shrinks have tried and failed to work that one out lol) It has lead to me having only really 2 or 3 friends my whole life, lots of 'mates' but to me there is an enormous difference between "mates" and "friends"