Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! It's officially Christmas day in 5mins! We are just about to put all the presents under the tree! Lisa has been baking all day, and I am actually really looking forward to tomorrow! Elvis on the stereo, plenty of beer, house all lit up with Christmas lights, kids sleeping all excited, waiting for Santa! In my most Tiny Tim voice..... God bless us, every one!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Religion or not religion?

Well....Christmas is creeping up faster than it usually does, only one week today. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, what's the deal? Religion fell out of Christmas long before I can remember, and these days all you see is a few signs saying "You won't find the lord under a tree" This year though Christians seem to be trying to do some serious PR for our supposed Saviour, I saw a news article about a Christmas tree with an enormous great wooden cross running straight through the center. But there are also the atheists trying to drum up business for their opinions, I'm sure you've heard of the "No God" signs plastered all over buses..

I do think that NZ tops the whole thing with the billboard erected actually by a Church! They said the billboard was "to remind people the real meaning of Christmas" The sign was defaced within 4 hours, and I can't help but ask the question, what on earth was the church thinking?? Here's the sign...
It was a full sized billboard, and if even the Churches are starting to mock religion, the future of what we have believed in for 2000 years sure is looking bleak!

I thought I would add my opinion on the whole subject....I don't believe in God, nor the theory that we where created, the science is to obvious to ignore. I was Christened as a child, and I am proud of that....Although I no longer class myself as Christian, I am certainly not atheist. To me atheism is it's own form of religion, just look at the signs on buses...They seem to not only mock religion, but go out of their way to mock it. I respect those that have faith, in any God they believe, more than respect, I envy them. I wish I could believe, if I believe in God, and I am facing imminent death, I'm sure the feeling would not be fear. I would believe I was going to a better place, where all my loved ones will be, and I will be happy. Being that I believe we are simply organisms, no different to any other creature on Earth, I know that when we die.....that's it....nothing more.
I would much rather believe that I was off to have a beer with my Dad and Elvis....but I simply can't. I have tried over the last few find God, but I simply cannot refute the obvious factor that we evolved, and there is nothing else to it, no angels, no heaven....It's a shame! My over logical mind leaves me hollow when posed the question, what happens when we die?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

That's all

Sorry? it's a broad word, sorry for not being more supportive, for giving up, sure. But sorry for being so mentally ill, that I struggle to deal with my own mind....certainly not! A permanent solution to a temporary problem.....I hear naive people say that very often, but it's not accurate at all...look at me....I have something destroying the Phil that I used to be.... that viral disease will never leave me, If I make it to an old man, I'll still be taking pills, before putting in my false teeth. And logically I will of gotten completely lost, there will be an old man, with nothing left. They say it gets better with time, and they are right, but that really means things only become worse.....The longer you spend in a comfortable situation, things going right, success, and happyness....the harder you are hit, when that curse returns, and devours the real you, vomitting out the shit that is left, and that's all you have to function with.
I know that it will not be long, before no part of the Phil that everyone knows, remains. I'm in a sort of zombie movie scenario.....They get bitten and know that it won't be long before they change into something evil........ Well I was bitten, although instead of turning into something that likes to eat people, I will become blank. Like a formatted hard-drive.....the components remain, but there is nothing left on it...
Poses the question that the bite victims i want to turn? Simple answer is no...
I wish my life could of been normal, I enjoy the life, the kids that adore you, the wife that loves you, loving them all back....But I'm stuck...what do I do? I've been fighting this for years now, and I'm tired, I'm tired of trying so hard to keep from being taken over, I'm tired of losing now, I'm not strong enough anymore, I can't push it away much longer.....I have nothing left....I just can't do it!!
I don't want to be this way anymore

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

12 days of Bi-Polar Christmas!!

I got bored, so decided to write my own version of that annoying Christmas song! If you read this, you need to read it to the tune of the classic hehe

All the things described I have been given over the last year so, it's quite true aswell enjoy ;)

On the first day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
A repeat prescription that I need to fill

On the 2nd day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
2 seroquel

On the 3rd day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
3 doxepin

On the 4th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
4 clonazepam

On the 5th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
5 Lith-- iu--ms

On the 6th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
6 xanax

On the 7th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
7 sleeping aids

On the 8th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
8 megs of prozac

On the 9th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
9 blood tests

On the 10th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
10 hours councilling

On the 11th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
11 valiums

On the 12th day of Christmas my doctor gave to me....
12 Zoloft

Saturday, November 28, 2009

It's about time!

Well....It really is about time I started doing this again! I don't really know why I left it so long, I thoroughly enjoy writing on here! I think it's just the lazy in me, I am far to lazy, I don't know why I just kind
If I sit down on the couch and the tv channel is still on from when the kids were watching i go through a sort of situation assessment....First where is the remote...on the floor? Next I'll work out the distance from my furthest reach to its location, then some simple mathematics to work out the amount I will have to move to reach it. Finally I'll run some tests to determine the movement to comfort/temperature ratio. If the ratio is too heavy I'll just put up with 'Bob the Builder'
Is that bad? Probably, but it gets worse....much worse! I don't remember the last time I actually went toilet when I needed to, I'll simply leave it until the comfort to movement ratio is in the correct range! There are soooo many situations where I am just too damn lazy to do anything, maybe it's the pills? They are a great excuse anyway ;)

I've really been missing England lately, really, really have been! I miss a lot of things, but then I look at the larger picture and think of what I would miss about New Zealand if we packed up and headed "home" Firstly it's a lovely feeling to be able to walk down the street at any time of night, without needing to worry about being stabbed or mugged! The tiny population here means that my kids get much more attention than they would in the UK, Martial is now in morning kindy on Fridays, at his age there is no way that would happen out there! Then there's our house, it's huge, double garage massive garden etc. For the amount of money we pay for this we would be lucky to get a dinky 2 bedroom flat in an area that requires 5 dead blots on the door, to be secured immediately after sundown! If we where to sit down and make a pros vs cons list, New Zealand pros would need more than one sheet of A4, Englands pros would easily fit on a post-it note!
I do get a terrible feeling of homesickness, and there has been something bugging me for years now, never spoke about it till now, it may seem silly but to me it's huge....My father gave me a small badge with the St Georges cross, and shaped like a crest. On it read, Born in England, Live in England, Die in England. Unfortunately it was stolen along with a great deal of my things, when I trusted some 'friends' who turned out to be c**** Although Dad told me once that the world is my oyster, and I know he would be proud of me, I can't help but feel I'm letting him down by not living in England. It's silly I'm sure, but it's one of those things that as hard as I try, I cannot let go!

NEW ZEALAND ARE THROUGH TO THE WORLD CUP!!!!!!! I cannot believe it, it's the first time since 1987 they made the football (soccer) world cup! I must say I felt rather proud after watching them scrape a 1-0 win against Bahrain It has done some great things for football in this Country, NZ has the All Blacks for the second class sport of Rugby, but because they were as good at football, as Britain is at keeping the beer cold, they just pretended the sport didn't exist! But thanks to some real effort by coach Ricki Herbert, and the best team we could pull together, somehow we pulled it off! Some kiwi promoting genius managed to fill the stadium with 35134 people, which believe it or not is nearly 10% of the population of the capitol city! There is not a chance on Earth we will make it past the first round, but who cares, we made it!!! New Zealand is now ranked 77th in the world, just ahead of Uganda...and just behind Uzbekistan......what fantastic statistics! hehe

I re-designed my page, what do you think? It keeps in sync with what I consider the best form of website design, simple, crisp and clean!

So much has happened since I last posted, I'm not going to go into everything, but I promised myself that I am going to try and do weekly entries, fortnightly at least! So I'll start over from now!
Here's to more blogging

Monday, October 12, 2009

Wow it's been ages!!

I knew it had been a while, but I didn't realise it has been nearly a month since I wrote anything! Things have been insane lately, it all started some time ago when my car decided it would no longer engage any gears on the corner of 2 of the busiest streets in the lower north island....on a Friday...and to top it off I went to uni to tell them I wasn't going to be able to attend that day...and it was a tutor day so I didn't even have to go in!!

Luckily after the council towed it, my good friend was able to fix it in less than a week and it didn't cost very much at all!

Then we all got sick...and I mean all of, all the kids, and Lisa...Of course being a male, I got the most sick, that and not having a car meant I missed a lot of days. But luckily I have been able Io nearly complete my current module, and will have no problems getting the assignment in on time, without needing an extension! I got a bit better....then I got more sick than I have been in years, 2days ago. Thankfully my wife is fantastic, and aside from wearing the uniform 24/7 (damn kids prevent that) she is the best nurse on the planet!

I got a new tattoo! I've been wanting one for a long time, and finally got it last week, or the week before (the last month is a bit of a blur) It's my boys birth dates on my wrist with the Latin phrase 'Dei Gratia' which means 'By the Grace of God' not that I am a religious at all, but as hard as i try i cannot let the possibility go, and all the crap that's thrown my way, if God didn't exist how can my children be the most perfect, loving creatures ever to of walked the rock we call our planet!!

Does anyone know anything about flowers?? We went out and bought a load of petunia's (I think) talked with the fella at the nursery and he sold us loads of expensive fertilise, compost and such, told us what to do, then said "you should have no problems" My Mother is an avid gardener and I remembered some of the things she told me when I was a kid...don't water them when the sun is on them etc. Now the problem i have is that they are not dead...they seem to be in suspended animation. They just sort of sit there looking all green and healthy, but only 2 of the tons we planted have had flowers!! but they aren't dead.....I don't get it! I never saw myself as a garden person, but I must say I thoroughly enjoyed finding my green finger, and I could get used to spending my Sundays during the summer tending to my punga ferns, and christmasanthems!!

Oh and I got my dog a new collar, I was sick of everyone calling her a 'he' so I decided to buy her a bright pink one, now people shouldn't get her confused! It's made of wetsuit material too, I don't know why...I have never heard of scuba diving Labradors!!

I'll keep it relatively short for now, and will do everything I can to ensure I write up again soon!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Movies and Skydiving!!

Ok trying to get back on track here...

The movie Observe and Report...have you seen it?? I recommend checking it out, it's a dark comedy abut a mall cop with Bi-Polar...It stars Seth Rogan, and it's the silly comedy style you see these days...Anyways I thought I'd take a look, to see how Hollywood portrays those with my condition..I nearly turned it off 10 minutes through, they made him out to be a complete social retard, but then I remembered some of the well known comedy actors that suffer with Bi-Polar, Ben Stiller, Robert Downey junior etc. Surely they would of shunned the film?? So I kept watching.....and I'm glad I did!

For those who don't have Bi-Polar, it is just another silly movie about an idiot, who they turn into a hero blaa blaa, but for me, I really appreciated the way they made it. The film takes you UP and down constantly throughout, you can see he is in a manic state, and sort of go with it, then he crashes...hard, and you sort of do to..... It is very hard to explain. My wife watched it with me and kept looking over at me during the 'cringy' bits, waiting for me to go on about how crap it was, and at first I almost did, it was an insult, then I realised it wasn't..... I literally Loved it and hated it!! How well done was that!

There is a scene in particular, where he is talking to a shrink about why he wanted to be a real cop, and I very nearly cried, it was so relateable it was scary! He talks about how there are butterflies, and children playing etc. then how it all turns into dark clouds, and horridness! I mentioned the scene to a 'normal' friend of mine, and he said "yeah it was funny as hell" I am CERTAIN they made it in a way that only those that understand the illness, can fully appreciate..Anyway check it out!

That got me thinking about other films that seem to target certain people, dramas about losing a loved one, comedies like Family Guy, which are fantastic, but if you smoke the wacky backy, they take on a whole different meaning, you actually get the weird bits they throw in, that normally you sit there and think.."ooookkkkk that was stupid" I think it is more than simply relating to the subject of films, it's actually made specifically with YOU in mind...odd huh!

I enrolled in another course for next year!! Yippiee!! I was getting a little anxious about this one ending in December, and losing that feeling of having a goal! I was a complete mess before I started this in February, but the last few months have been the most stable I have been in years, and that's saying something considering what I have been through recently, several life changing occurrences in quick succession, I would normally be left a dribbling heap on the floor, but I'm not! I am very proud of myself :)

I am a little concerned though as for a good number of weeks, I have been riding a high, and it is bound to come crashing down at some point...but I'm not going to get anxious about it, I am going to keep riding it! I feel kind of like I am skydiving, and I'm in the free fall bit at the moment, you know, before you open the parachute....difference is I don't have a parachute, so I'm going to hit the bottom at mach-1 and it will be a mess to clean up! Still if you didn't realise that you had no parachute, you would be thoroughly enjoying the free fall right? I think I have come to terms with the fact that I have no chute, and I am going to enjoy the exciting stuff, and panic when I need to open the bastard thing!!

Did that make any sense?? I hope so.....Hang on don't they have a reserve parachute for emergencies?? Perhaps I can find it before I need it? perhaps I am cured??

Nahhh that's too much like a fairytale! I'll find my reserve chute, pull it, all excited about being ok, and it'll be full off moth holes!

Oh well I can but dream! I wish I could be normal, I wish I could be sad when I am supposed to be, or happy when good things happen, not happy or sad, no matter what the circumstance!

Anyway, the course... it's web development, so no design just pure code! lovely jubbly This one ends on December 23, and the next one starts In February...2 months of being with my family, not feeling guilty about not working Yay!

I might of scored a job developing a flash game for the All Blacks, and it may even go live on their site! How ace is that! I can combine it with my current module...which is developing a Flash game!

Martial has started kindergarten!! He's only 2 and a half! He has been twice now, and he loves it! We say goodbye, and leave him for TWO hours!! They have play dough, paints, a rabbit that just runs around loose, (not a great combo for toddlers...if you ask me)! All the stuff a kid could want and some! I really can't believe how well he has taken to it, he doesn't get a great deal of social interaction, other than his good friend Shelby, and his brother, and sister, but he is lapping up the Independence! Terrible two's?? Not for our Martial, its terrific two's!! We went out and bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine schoolbag and everything! He's growing up soooo fast! What with him starting school, and Sammy now able to run around, we have no babies anymore! That's a weird feeling...because it's YESS and NOOO at the same time!! Why must every emotion be directly tied to another?? If God really did make us, he really, cocked up in the chemistry aspect....all that serotonin, and all that dopamine, all mixing around like some bizarre cocktail!!

I went to bed at 11pm last night!! and I was woken at 9am with a cup of tea, it was a gorgeous day, sun seeping in through the curtains, It felt ace! So I'm going to bed early again tonight, hopefully get the same results!!

Why is everything going so well for me???? Maybe I'm just being set up for a massive fall soon...............or maybe not............or maybe.......etc.